When “Perfect” Ruins the Holidays: How Perfectionism Steals Your Joy (and How to Get It Back)
The holiday season is marketed as “the most wonderful time of the year”—a time filled with warmth, family, and picture-perfect moments.
But for many people who struggle with perfectionism, people-pleasing, and codependent patterns, the holidays often feel more like an emotional marathon than a celebration.
You’re not just buying the gifts.
You’re planning the meals, hosting the gatherings, remembering everyone’s preferences, smoothing over conflicts, and trying to make everything look effortless.
On the outside, people may think you have it all together.
Inside, you’re exhausted, tense, and one burnt casserole away from tears.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to keep doing holidays the hard way.
Let’s talk about why perfectionism hits so hard this time of year—and how you can create a calmer, gentler, realistic holiday season that feels good for you, too.
Why the Holidays Trigger Perfectionism
1. You grew up believing your value comes from being “good.”
Many perfectionistic, people-pleasing people learned early in life that approval, affection, or peace depended on their performance.
During the holidays, those old beliefs resurface:
“If I don’t do it perfectly, I’m failing.”
“If someone is disappointed, it's my fault.”
“If things aren’t peaceful, I didn’t do enough.”
Those thoughts aren’t the truth—just outdated survival strategies.
2. Society idealizes the “perfect” holiday.
Instagram-perfect decorations.
A spotless home.
Everyone happy.
No tension.
Matching pajamas.
Zero crumbs.
No wonder your nervous system feels overloaded.
3. You feel responsible for everyone else’s happiness.
This is classic codependent conditioning:
You’re scanning the room, anticipating needs, smoothing edges, and filling gaps—often at the cost of your own well-being.
Signs Your Perfectionism Is Taking Over This Holiday Season
You might notice that you:
rehearse conversations in your head
worry about disappointing others
struggle to delegate
feel guilty resting
redo things someone else already did “wrong”
obsess over gift choices, menus, or hosting details
take on too much, then crash afterward
Perfectionism isn’t just stress—it’s self-abandonment disguised as “being responsible.”
What You Actually Need This Holiday Season
You need to feel:
spacious
supported
grounded
appreciated
connected—not drained
allowed to be human
You deserve these things. You don’t have to earn them.
5 Therapist-Backed Ways to Break Free from Holiday Perfectionism
1. Decide What “Good Enough” Looks Like Before You Begin
Perfectionism thrives in vagueness.
Define your limits beforehand:
“One homemade dish and two store-bought.”
“Gifts under $25.”
“Only decorating the tree—not the whole house.”
Good enough is still good.
2. Swap “I should” with “I choose”
Notice how many holiday thoughts start with:
“I should host.”
“I should buy nicer gifts.”
“I should go to every gathering.”
Try replacing “should” with “choose”:
“I choose to host—or I choose not to.”
“I choose what kind of holiday I want.”
This gives you agency instead of obligation.
3. Let other people help—imperfectly
The real challenge isn’t delegating.
It’s resisting the urge to redo what someone else did.
Let the table look slightly mismatched.
Let the wrapping be uneven.
Let the cookies be over-browned.
Done is better than perfect—especially when you didn’t have to do it all.
4. Ask yourself: “What would make this easier?”
A shorter to-do list?
Fewer events?
Saying no to one gathering?
Buying pre-made food?
Ease is not laziness.
Ease is regulation.
5. Choose connection over performance
Your presence, mood, and energy matter more than any perfect display.
Years from now, people won’t remember:
how clean your house was
how coordinated the decor looked
whether the meal was flawless
They’ll remember how they felt around you.
A Reclaiming Moment: Your Permission Slip for the Holidays
Here is your therapist-approved permission slip:
You’re allowed to rest before you’re exhausted.
You’re allowed to leave early.
You’re allowed to say no.
You’re allowed to take shortcuts.
You’re allowed to choose peace over perfection.
You’re allowed to matter, too.
You do not have to earn comfort.
You do not have to earn calm.
You do not have to earn love.
Final Thoughts: Your Holidays Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Be Meaningful
If you’ve spent years hosting, fixing, smoothing, organizing, or anticipating—it’s okay if this feels uncomfortable at first. Letting go of perfectionism is not a failure. It’s healing.
This holiday season, give yourself permission to be human.
To be present.
To be supported.
To be loved for who you are—not how perfectly you perform.
You deserve that much and more.
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